Five years?

Where has the time gone?

Last night about 6:00, I felt a wave a depression like I hadn't felt in a long time.  I felt like a weight was pressing on my chest and I could barely breathe.  I had no idea where it came from.  And no matter how hard I tried - I could not make the feeling go away.  I finally got to sleep around midnight . . . and I woke up at 4, picked up my phone and saw the date . . .

July 6th. 

Grandma has been gone for five years.  I cannot believe it.

And once the source of my sadness was known - it was a little easier to breathe . . . and yet it wasn't.

There have been so many times over the past five years where I wished I could pick up the phone and call Grandma and ask her what I should do.  She never told me what to do - she just talked me through things, told me stories of her own life, and somehow made me feel better about things - no matter what the outcome.

And there were three things that Grandma could do that ALWAYS made me feel better - as a little girl AND as I got older . . .

• Her cooking.  Probably where I developed some of my emotional eating issues - but nothing could beat Grandma's comfort food!
• Her music.  Singing with Grandma made you feel better about everything.  You cannot stay down when your voice is lifted in song.
• Her hugs.  My Grandma's arms wrapped around you were the only thing you needed when you felt like you'd lost your handle on life.  She grounded you and made sure you know that it would all be better in the morning.

I learned so much from you, Grandma.  And I'm still learning - every day . . . and teaching my own children all of the things I learned from you.

Thank you.

I love you.

My dark day

Every year, I wake up on this day and wonder why I don't feel quite right. Then I look at the date. July 6th. Four years ago today, I lost my Grandma. And it still hurts.

So today, I am revisiting all of my previous Grandma posts with you, while I am missing her.

Forever Blowing Bubbles

I wish you were here . . .

Happy Birthday Grandma

Family Resemblance

Thanksgiving

I can't believe it has been two years . . .

Forever blowing bubbles . . .

Don't have a heart attack. I'm posting two days in a row.

Yesterday was a beautiful day in Indiana. We spent much of the day outside. Part of it . . . blowing bubbles.



Who doesn't love bubbles? Seriously. How can you not be happy when beautiful iridescent bubbles are flying all around you?



There are contests for the biggest bubble, the most bubbles, and the ever-elusive bubble within a bubble.



It is so much fun that even Daddies have to give it a try.



I love bubbles. And I love spring.

And it is the beauty of God's creation and my blessed family that get me through each day.

Even on a day like today.

My Grandma would have been 83 today.

And I'm guessing she enjoyed watching her great-grandkids blow bubbles just as much as I did.

And I bet they have some awesome bubbles in Heaven.

Happy Birthday Grandma.

I wish you were here . . .

It has been three years. I can't believe it. I really can't.

And even though it has gotten a little easier - it still hurts knowing I can't just call you and get your advice. I would love to hear you say, "Don't worry your pretty little head about it," or "It will be better in the morning," or just have you hug me because that would always make everything feel a little bit better.

When I have issues with my kids, and I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing as a parent - I long for a way to talk to you and ask your advice. But instead, I try to think back and figure out from your example to me - what you would've done. You taught me so much. I don't know if you ever realized how much.

Even now, I can't imagine how you did all that you did. So many children came through your doors and you blessed each and every one of them in some way or another. That one summer when you were watching 5 12-year-old boys, along with lots of other kids - how did you not go crazy? How did you keep your sanity? My kids are still several years away from those teen years . . . but I get scared now just thinking about it! (and I only have 3!!)

The thing is - I really do know how you did it. You knew what was most important. You knew what was worth getting worked up about and what wasn't. And you praised God no matter what the circumstance. You were able to sing in every situation. Even hours before you took your final earthly breath, when your body must have been in so much pain - and you were facing leaving all of your loved ones behind, you were able to put everything aside and do your best to sing along with us as we gathered around your bed and sang all of those old familiar hymns. What a legacy. I just hope I can live up to that.

So even though I miss you and it hurts more than usual on this day - I will sing. I will praise God. And I won't forget everything you taught me.

Until we meet again, Grandma.

April 19, 1926 - July 6, 2005

Happy Birthday Grandma

Today would have been my Grandma's 82nd birthday. I have been thinking of her a lot this week and missing her as always. Around 8 years ago, I heard a song by Susie Luchsinger (Reba McEntire's sister) called "I saw Him in your eyes." This is another one of those songs that I feel like I could've written about my Grandma . . .


That rusty yellow school bus came to pick us up each day
Took my sister off to school and dropped me at your house to play
I'd see you wavin' from the porch down that ol' dusty drive
And I'd run as fast as I could to your side

You taught me how to garden and you let me help you cook
That gentle smile was always there and on your face that special look
And you told me about Jesus how he lived inside of you
You know I never doubted what you said was true

Cause I saw Him in your eyes
In your love and in your laughter it was Him I recognized
I didn't know it then but now I realize
That I saw Him in your eyes

While we cleaned up in the kitchen you'd be hummin' some old hymn
And then you'd open up your Bible and read to me about your Friend
But more than songs and stories it was what I saw in you
I watched the love of God as it came shining through

Yes I saw Him in your eyes...

Oh my prayer is that some day when my grandchildren look at me
They'll see that same reflection of Him and his perfection
The miracle in you that I could see

When I saw Him in your eyes...

Yes I saw Him in your eyes

That really is one of my greatest goals - to one day have my children and grandchildren say this very thing about me.

I love and miss you Grandma. Thank you for teaching me everything you did.

I have a question though . . . Do the angels make you birthday cakes up there? And are they completely calorie and fat free?? ;-)

Family resemblance

Okay - I have my Grandma's senior picture and mine posted at work. Two of my colleagues saw them today and thought they were both older pictures of me. When I told them one was my Grandma and one was me - they were shocked.

What do you think?

Oh - and they say my brother and I look alike too . . .

And my cousins, well we all look alike too . . .

Yes, the force is strong with our family. :-)

Have a great Tuesday!

The Glow of the Old Oil Lamp (GUEST POST)

My brother sent me a great essay he wrote about old oil lamps and he gave me permission to use it as a guest post on my blog. Enjoy!

Weather in Indiana, as any Hoosier will testify, is an unpredictable beast. In fact many Hoosiers have said that if you don’t like the weather here, wait a week! Sitting in my recently electricity deprived home, dealing with the ravages of an ice storm, I recollect previous inclement weather occasions basking in the glow of old oil lamps. Yes, oil lamps. Unlike power outages at my parents’ house which entailed hunting for candles and hopefully a flashlight that had un-corroded batteries, my grandmother used oil lamps. On the rare occasion that I might be at Grandma’s when the power was out, we went for the old oil lamps.


Grandma had one of her mother’s oil lamps as well as a couple belonging to grandpa’s family in the west room built in glass front cabinet. In this cabinet Grandma kept many treasures such as: Halloween decorations, her parents school slates, some of their old school books, an old crock with numerous odds and ends that were found about the house, cookbooks and all sorts of different items that intrigue a young boy with a curious mind. The lamps were kept on the top shelf with the chimneys waiting to be placed back on the brass burner for their next use. The top shelf wasn’t tall enough for the chimneys to be stored on the lamps, but they were always ready for use when the time would arise.

On such occasions when I helped clean the cabinet or actually got to help light the lamps during a power outage, Grandma would ask me to carefully hand her down a lamp and then the chimney. A box of Ohio Blue-tip matches kept in the kitchen cabinet would be brought to the table and she would place the lamp in the center of the kitchen table and light the lamp telling me the story of her tending the lamps as a child before her parents had electricity on the farm.

One of her daily chores at the home place was to tend to the oil lamps every morning by trimming the wicks and to keep the chimneys clean from coal oil soot that would collect from burning the lamps at night. Newspaper was often used after the chimneys were washed to rub the glass to create a spotless shine for the flame to illuminate a room. Her mother, Myrtle, was very particular about her housekeeping so everything had to be just right. After electricity came to the home place, the lamps were kept for keepsakes from a time gone by and in case of an emergency.

Times have changed and there seem to be fewer power outages. Grandma and Grandpa are both gone, along with the house where many special memories were formed. I still cling to the happiness of those times I spent in their home. Myrtle’s oil lamp holds a place of honor in my home on top of our kitchen cabinet, filled with oil, ready to light up a room just as it is doing right now.

Some of my family wonder why I have always loved oil lamps and why I display the few I have collected around my home. I don’t wonder . . . not as I sit staring at the flame that brightens the dark expanse in the parlor brought about by Indiana weather. That one lamp brings the warmest feeling to my soul and smile to my face. The excitement I still get as a 36-year-old carefully bringing that oil lamp down from the cabinet, cleaning the globe and lighting the lamp takes me back to Grandma’s house and the comforts and good times I experienced in their home.

As I began typing the last sentence, the power company prevails as power returns to our home. So, the oil lamps will be blown out and returned to their place of honor until the next use where I will once again remember my grandmother’s legacy by taking down an oil lamp.

Thank you, Grandma, for being a light in my darkness and sharing your life with us.

-Bobert, 2008

Thanksgiving

Okay - so I'm a tad late to post about Thanksgiving, but I've been pretty busy.

I just wanted to tell a little bit about our holiday this year. I felt like my Grandma came to visit me, in a way. I got obsessed with baking and I made chocolate and peanut butter fudge, and THREE different pies (pumpkin, sugar cream, and pecan). I had my successes and failures with it - but it was really fun and I enjoyed it. (If I could just keep from EATING the stuff I make - that would be good.)



Hunkahubby made everything else - turkey, ham, candied yams, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, deviled eggs, and really yummy stuffing. Now - here's the catch . . . no one extra came to our house for Thanksgiving! It was just the five of us. But we have had leftover heaven since then! :-)

It was really nice to have just us for Thanksgiving. We took time to go around the table and tell what we were thankful for. Angelina said she was thankful for Daddy's hugs. It was precious.

When I was little, we always had Thanksgiving with my grandparents and my aunt and uncle and their girls. Grandma, my Mom, and Aunt would cook up a storm and we always had tons of food. We also had a lot of fun and laughter. One of my favorite parts was when the family stood around the kitchen, held hands, and prayed - thanking God for the many blessings He had given us in the past year. There is a part of me that misses those big family gatherings - but also a part of me that knows it would never be the same without Grandma there.

The holidays always make me miss her more. Another thing we almost always did on Thanksgiving was watch the movie, White Christmas. I think we all still know every word and every song by heart. So - we watched that with our children this year. (My husband's family had the same tradition of watching that movie.) At the end of the movie, I could have sworn I heard my Grandma singing along on the high harmony parts when they sing, "may your days be merry and bright and may all your Christmases be white." I started crying and couldn't stop. I haven't had a crying episode like that in a while - but it was probably good for me.

So, I just want to say that I'm thankful for many things. I am thankful for family and good friends. I am thankful for health and employment. I am thankful for God and his goodness and love. And I am thankful for precious memories of Thanksgivings past and a Grandma who will always be in my heart (and in the mirror, if I look close enough.) ;-)

I hope that all of you took the time to remember the things that you are thankful for. Have a wonderful evening.

I can't believe it has been two years . . .

July 6, 2005 . . . the day my beloved Grandma went home to meet her Savior.

It was a day she strove for, her entire life. I never really realized it until that last week. We were all together, and my youngest cousin was having a hard time with letting her go. She knew that Grandma would soon be in a better place, but she felt bad because it seemed weird that we were all there together, just waiting for her to die. At that moment, it occurred to me how ready Grandma was to go Home and how long she had waited for that day.

Grandma's favorite songs all dealt with going Home and meeting Jesus. Some of her favorites are below . . .

"I’ve got a mansion just over the hilltop
In that bright land where we'll never grow old
And some day yonder we will never more wander
But walk on streets that are purest gold"

I am sure she is enjoying her mansion now. :-)

"You may ask me how I know my Lord is real
You may doubt the things I say and doubt the way I feel
But I know he's real today he'll always be
I can feel his hand in mine and that's enough for me

I will never walk alone he holds my hand
He will guide each step I take
And if I fall I know he'll understand
Till the day he tells me why he loves me so
I can feel his hand in mine
That's all I need to know"

This was so true of her -- she knew Jesus was with her and that she would someday go Home to meet him -- that's all she really needed to know.

"My heart can sing when I pause to remember
A heartache here is but a stepping stone
Along a path that's winding always upward
This troubled world is not my final home.

But until then my heart will go on singing
Until then with joy I'll carry on
Until the day my eyes behold my Saviour
Until the day God calls me home.

The things of earth will dim and lose their value
If we recall they're borrowed for a while
And things of earth that cause this heart to tremble
Remember there will only bring a smile.

But until then my heart will go on singing
Until then with joy I'll carry on
Until the day my eyes behold my Saviour
Until the day God calls me home..."

This one is my favorite. I can remember her and my Auntie Linda standing at the kitchen sink singing this song. I always loved the harmonies of the song, but I never really thought about the words until that day we were standing around waiting for her Home-going. It was then that I thought about this song and how much it fit my Grandma.

No matter what happened in her life, she was always singing. I think that singing is what got her through the rough times. She definitely had a melody in her heart that made the love of her Savior shine through. She knew that this world was not her final home and she clung to that with all of her might. But she was still stubborn . . . the day we really thought she was going to leave us - the whole family was there, standing around her bed and singing. After a while - she started mouthing the words along with us. She was NOT going to miss her final concert.

Oh how I miss her . . .

After she died, I found a strength I didn't know I had. For the first time in my life, I wasn't really afraid of dying. Because I knew that when I died, I would get to see her again. Heaven wasn't really real to me until I knew that she was there.

I felt like she had willed some of her strength to me when she left this world -- and it was a good thing, because these last two years were not easy . . . but I got through them.

Lately - I've felt myself falling back into the old pattern of fear I used to live in. When I realized it, I wanted to kick myself for losing that strength I had found. A part of me felt sad, because it was almost as if Grandma had left me . . . but maybe she is just telling me that I'm capable of doing it on my own now. Well - not on my own . . .

I'm sure that I will write many more things that I learned from my Grandma. But for now - I'm just going to remember how much she loved . . . and how she taught us to love . . . and let myself be homesick . . .

"You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now"



I miss you Grandma . . . save a place for me, okay?